One Month In And..

I started college like any other student, excited and motivated. My first couples weeks were great, I was motivated, doing yoga, eating healthy, doing homework and just being a total complete freshman. Its funny because when I first came here I heard so many people tell me that “the first week is the hardest.” and I couldn’t understand why? I  understood  that adjusting to living without your parents and what not was most likely the hardest part. But why were people saying it was so hard?

I totally brushed that off, I thought I was smooth sailing, college didn’t seem hard at all. Nope not me. But, more than one month in and I’ve never felt more depressed. The food here gets real old, and fast. I eat like shit here and I can already tell im gaining weight. I have yet to make any new friends or even remotely close to an acquaintance. Leaving high school, this was one of my main priorities. I talk to some people in my classes here and there, but I have never felt more lonely. On top of that, being in a long distance relationship just makes everything more challenging. I could be having a bad day and no matter how much I wanted to run into my boyfriends arms and vent to him I couldn’t, because he’s over 500 miles away.

When someone asks how my classes have been I tell them they have been great! But heres the truth, I was a bit disappointed that the class I was looking forward to the most (Principles of Media Film & Production) has been a strictly lecture class. My professor has made something that fascinated  me incredibly into something so boring. Maybe its his deep voice and monotone British accent? But I imagined this class to be something strictly hands on and not learning from a textbook. Photography and film is a very visual concept. How am I supposed to improve my skills, when I can’t even physically practice and get my hands on the tools I need? Instead i’m reading 50 pages a week on how to change your shutter speed and how to properly use a tripod. But I want to say a thanks to my high school photography teacher Mr. Kempner. Taking his class for 4 years, I never noticed how much I learned from him. It really put me ahead of the game here and I am so thankful  that I had him as a teacher. Aside from that, my creative writing class has been by far my favorite. In fact it’s what got me to start a blog. It also rebirthed my love for writing, something I had forgotten about over the years.

I guess I am just trying to make it in the real world, just like anyone else and I know I can’t be surprised at how challenging it has been, but my emotions really have gotten in the way of things. There are times where I get so sad, for no reason and my body will completely shut down on me. Here is an example:

me: wow its an amazing day i feel so great

feelings: nope

Today was my first day on set for a current film in the making. I recently joined a greek film society called Lambda Kappa Tau. I felt great, I was the assistant camera director, I was filming all the shots and yelling out “rolling!” after the directors cue. We spent about 2 hours filming and got some great footage. Immediately after, I got dropped off at my dorms and I went to grab food. Instinctively, I pulled out my phone to see if anyone wanted to go grab some food with me. I hit up a couple friends from high school, but they were all busy. Thats when I realized how exhausted I’ve been from being lonely. Its not like I beat myself up if I have to eat lunch alone, because I LOVE being alone, but there is a fine line between being alone and lonely. After grabbing food I went straight back to my room and the feelings hit hard, I was sad, just really sad.

So, feelings, please do me a huge favor, fuck off.

PS, *note to self*, if you start to feel sad, its probably best if you stay out of bed.


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