Disorganized Thoughts Series: Promises To Myself

Before I start this, I want to say I’m going to start a blog series where I sort of ramble to myself and write down any thoughts I have. This won’t be an organized post for anyone who is actually reading, so if you are, welcome to my mind. 🙂

Hi, I’m a very confused human being.

I am a nostalgic person. I always end up missing the past and the old me. Which in reality is probably a bad habit. Don’t get me wrong because I love the person I have grown to be, but I miss the less complicated times in my life where reality was just so clear and simple. Through my teenage years I have tended to notice that I am always desperate to grasp onto change. There were always phases I was going through. Dying my hair, cutting my hair, getting new piercings, changing up my clothing style, re decorating my room, the list goes on. I guess I am the kind of person that constantly craves something different but its ironic when I’m always missing the past, wishing I could go back. Yet, I am 18 in two months and I haven’t been this confused about my identity since sophmore and junior year of high school. Im almost an adult, which means… you guessed it, adulthood (yay?).

I don’t know exactly where I am going with my life, but as of now I am 100% about 2 things.

  1. I need to move to New York within the next two years.
  2. Somehow, someway, photography, film, and creativity must be incorporated in my life at all times.

I am trying my best to figure what the fuck my purpose is in life, and honestly no one can ever prepare me for that. High school was like dipping my toes into a freezing pool. College is the part where someone comes up from behind and pushes me in. You have to figure it out all on your own. Its scary, but I am managing. But for once I am excited to be independent and learn things on my own. (thank u mom for everything you have done). I guess college has really put things into perspective. My passion is film and photography. Ever since I remember I always had a desire to hold a camera. Unfortunately, the movie industry is not my thing, and film really can’t get my anywhere in life money wise. But I know that no matter what I do, I’m going to be successful. I am hardworking and will find my way for sure.

But in a way, I wish my life was more like my tumblr page. (adicoden.tumblr.com) #selfpromo ? My tumblr reflects everything I want to see and everything I want to be. Sexy, powerful, successful, caring, colorful, artistic. Before I can be all of that, there is something I have been doing wrong. My biggest flaw has been dwelling on my flaws. Physically and mentally. Truth is, I don’t completely love my body, but I am happy with it, and I just want to treat it right. Healthy body, healthy mind. But I find myself noticing that I’m not caring enough, i nap too much, i ignore problems, bubble up emotions, I’m bad at keeping up with relationships, its a long list. But lately I think I have been too hard on myself. I need to focus on my strengths rather than my weaknesses. Easier said than done, but I could use a challenge. College has turned me into an emotional wreck, and being stuck on campus with no car and no where to go has left me sitting in a pile of endless thoughts and anxiety. I am just trying to be the best I can for myself without exploding.

There are so many things I want to do and its hard to self discipline, but as of now I want to set goals. So here is my big list of small things I need to change.

1.Mediatate more

2. Stretch everyday

3.Go to the gym more

4. Drink a lot of water

5. Call family members more often

6. Write more

7. Take pictures, a lot.

8. Make youtube videos

9.  Travel

10. Be mindful of others

11. Get involved in my school

12. Make friends

13. Paint a lot

14. Find inner peace within myself.


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